Welcome to Shamala's blog. Here she shares hers thoughts and inspirational experiences which she hopes will add a little extra light to your day!
Shamala's Blog
Perspectives Of Reality
I am always amused whenever my daughter would have her sights zoomed into her favourite things when we go out - she would shout out in glee when she sees a playground when we are on a taxi or bus. Everything else around is insignificant.
It is true when we say we see what we want to see and that our sense of reality is certainly connected to our perspective of life. A three year old doesn't know anything else except playgrounds, toys and cartoons and to a three year old, this is what life is all about.
When we look around us, we see different people with different interests, people with different levels of understanding of reality, people with different levels of psychological and mental clarity, people with different levels of physical bodies and so on. And what this means is that everyone will zoom into what they are most interested in and what serves their interests.
To a person with money issues, money is constantly in his/her mind. For a person who is looking for a life partner, every man/woman becomes a potential life partner. For this reason, everyone has different opinions about things for everyone sees things from their own perspectives, and most of the time these are varying perspectives. Is it any wonder why there are misunderstandings in the world?
The way to get around this is really to learn to see things from other people's perspectives as well and not to be limited in one's own perspective of life. In the couple counseling that we do, often times, the husbands have one perspective, and the wives another. Neither are wrong, just different. The problem is each partner is trying to force the other partner to see things from their perspective and to do things their way, which in truth, only causes more conflict.
The development of Compassion, a term that is commonly used in some religion/spiritual institutions, is really about developing Understanding. To have Compassion means to come from a level of understanding of others in unconditional love and non-judgment. If people have more compassion for themselves and for other people, there will certainly be less conflicts and greater understanding.
As I observe my daughter's current preoccupation with playgrounds, I am thinking about how her understanding of the world will expand and how her interests will change with different levels of development. I hope that she will grow in her understanding of the world and learn to develop a clear perspective of life.
Energy Revoluton
As a further response to my previous post, I just uploaded this powerful video of JFK giving a speech on climate change and energy revolution. Go here to view it: JFK
What will it take?
This question has been on my mind the past few days....what will it take for human beings to really wake up and see what is happening on this planet?
Firstly, we don't treat ourselves very well, so needless to say we don't treat other people well, and this translates to how we treat the planet and our resources. It is not news anymore that our over consumption of whatever resources on this planet is depleting. The latest news is that we do need another planet or two to sustain us by 2035 if we continue to over consume. We are eating/drinking/using ourselves out of existence. Yet when I look around me, I see that people still seem oblivious to what is really happening.
I go to the food courts and I see the amount of waste generated because people have ordered too much food. People are throwing away good furniture replacing them with more 'updated' looks. Just two weeks ago, as I was walking by the shower booth alongside the swimming pool, water was running continously and no one even bothered to turn it off! Not the users of the pool, nor the security guards doing their rounds around the estate.
I asked Toby this morning, 'Do you think people will wake up and take more responsibility for what is going on in the world, if all of a sudden, we have just dark clouds looming over our skies continously, with little or no sunlight? Or some global natural catastrophe shakes the entire planet leaving millions homeless, like those doom and gloom hollywood blockbusters" Toby said, "I don't know if that is even enough to wake people up."
And I realised that what he said is quite true. Most people live in a self centred reality, thinking only of, "how will this benefit me?" or "why should I take responsibility for this or that, if other people are not doing their part as well?" In some Asian cultures, this can be seen as something stupid to do!
I for one, am not and have not been a very obedient child of ethnic Chinese parents. For most of my life, I have gone against the grain of my father's wishes. And I also believe that this desire to break out of limited thinking and ways of being have helped me to see my reality beyond self centredness. I appreciate culture and tradition, I believe that they are important. However, the limited thinking in many Asian cultures I am speaking of has nothing or little to do with real culture and tradition, it is just fear with fear based types of thinking like, "don't lose out to other people" or "don't be stupid to do all the work".
I believe that we all need to break out of old ways of thinking for real transformation to take place. Yes, the Singapore government does a good job of taking care of its citizens, but we all have individual responsibilities too in how we wish to shape the world. We are not children, and the government is not our parent telling us what to do. We should aim to co-create and play our part in countless ways such as:
1. recycle
2. consume less of everything (we eat far too much for our good anyway!)
3. reduce buying
4. reuse things
5. plant trees because it doesn't cost much but the returns are supernormal! (this is something we do every month as individuals and as a company, see below for details*)
6. eat more healthily
7. stop buying things/food items from producers that promote child labour (many of your chocolate brands out there use cocoa from cocoa farms that use children as young as 5!), sweat shops (underpaid workers), cruel practices (abused animals for your leather goods and meat), use of chemicals on footwear, clothes, food (as seen in the contamination of milk and eggs in China) The list is endless....so cultivate greater awareness of what is going on in the world.
These are just 7 things so far that can make a difference now and today. Do we really have to wait till the final days of destruction before we take responsibility?
Ask yourself what will it take?
* Plant trees with ecolibris for as little as USD1 a tree. Visit: www.ecolibris.net
If you're interested, calculate your carbon footprint here: http://www.carbonfootprint.com/calculator.aspx
Dealing With The Negative Ego Of Other People
People have often asked me how do I deal with the negative ego of other people. How can I not get angry with them especially when they are self centred, insulting or attacking? And my reply is that what they do and how they behave is not about me, it is about them. If they choose to be in their negative ego, it is their prerogative. My focus is only on making sure I am not also indulging in negative ego consciousness.
When a person is in their negative ego, they are not truly thinking, they are merely operating from ingrained patterns in their minds. This means that they are not really mentally awake and for the most part are not mentally stable. Would you get angry with someone because they are not balanced? Whether they are imbalanced mentally, emotionally or physically, it doesn't matter. The key here is not to give your power away to their instability and simply remain still and within the eye of the hurricane. Ultimately other people will learn the lessons in their own time when the Laws of Attraction catches up with them.
In the Transformational counseling and coaching programs that we do, we seek to empower people and assist them in not giving their power away to other's people negative ego so that they may find the peace and happiness within themselves.
Work Play Balance
Because of our very busy schedules, it is easy to get into too much busy-ness that we may not take the time to rest or play.
So whenever I tell my clients or students, the harder we work, the more we should play, somehow someone will inevitably say, ok, four hours of work and four hours of computer games/shopping/nap and so on! I find it very amusing how people will take every opportunity to excuse themselves from work. And unconsciously seeking permission from other people to do so.
I think the solution really lies in finding your passion in what you do in life. If you are not passionate about what you do, then finding excuses to not do what you should becomes second nature. We hear stories of many people dreading Sunday evenings because they have to go to work on Monday! Many of our counseling clients have similar complaints about their career, because ultimately, the money they are earning doesn't fill the void within.
On the other hand, if one can find fulfillment and have great passion for one's career/job/life's mission, whatever you want to call it, the passion actually fuels a person to do even greater things. This is not to say that we do not take a break even if we enjoy what we do.
Personally, I think it is ideal to take a short break once every 3 months. i think it helps to recharge me on all levels, not just mentally but physically too. And after every break, I come back re-ignited and even more passionate about my work.
I am looking forward to our short getaway soon. I wish you pleasant days ahead.
:-)
Birthday Party
We had a small birthday celebration at my daughter's playschool last week, it was both amusing and chaotic. There were about 27 of these little munchkins and about 4-5 teachers.
One boy known as one of the naughtiest one in class was trying to spit into the birthday cake! He was also hitting the faces of other kids as they were crowding around the birthday cake.
I understand from the caregivers from the playschool that he is there for very long hours, probably 12 hours a day. I can imagine it must be hard for him and his parents. Children who do not get enough love and attention often act out in ways like these so that they can obtain the attention they are seeking. I am sure the caregivers at the playschool are doing their best, but essentially children need the attention of their parents. In our fast paced society, often times parents find themselves working long hours just to make ends meet.
I believe that the foundation of early influence of life begins at home, as much as children these days may spend long hours in school, the biggest influence should still come from the home. For this is where children should feel safest, protected and loved unconditionally.
Fortunately, my daughter had a great birthday despite attempts by a little boy to spit on her pink cake. She is at an age where she is absorbing everything around her like a sponge. Things that were said a year ago, remains in her subconscious mind and today with an ability to communicate more effectively, she is repeating what she heard from many months ago.
Now I can't help but think about that little boy and wonder what kinds of subconscious programming he has in his mind.
Respect
I walk my dog every morning and on some mornings we would bump into one of the cleaners of the estate. He looks like a very sad person, and at the same time quite an angry one.
On two occasions, my dog went into his path by accident. I did not see this man as he walked past us quite silently. So I tried my best to pull my dog back with the leash but too late - the man would glare at me, as if looks could kill. Mind you, on both occasions, my dog never touched him. I was very apologetic and told him that I did not know that he was coming from behind us. But he wouldn't say a single word, except to glare at me as if he wants to jump into a fight with me. I shrugged it off as something really beyond my control.
Two days ago, at lunchtime I saw this man sitting all by himself away from his friends/colleagues. He was really sad looking, no smile and no eye contact with anyone. I am convinced that I am possibly not the only person he wants to get into a fight with. I wonder how can someone live their lives the way he does. I am quite sure he has his fair share of life's problems that is bogging him down.
I think he represents a relatively high percentage of the world's population where they see life as a struggle, and that everyone else and everything are obstacles to what they wish to achieve in life. Unfortunately, it is the same group of people who may never get a chance to move out of the mode and state of negativity. Because of their negative perspective of life, whatever help is given to them may be perceived in the wrong light, whatever kindness may be received with cynicism.
But I have hope for humanity as a whole. I believe that if each of us continue to play a part to remain positive and not to play the game of tit for tat. We can see positive changes in the world and in the mindsets of humanity.
As for me and my cleaner friend I will continue to smile at him and say hello in respect for another human being, no matter how he responds.
:-)
Struggling for power
Every so often when my daughter gets into her terrible twos mode, she changes from a sweet thing into a screaming monster. Not pleasant to watch.
There is an obvious power play when it happens, she tries to assert control over her little world - such as wanting to snack before dinner.
Once every few weeks she gets these goodie bags from playschool from a birthday boy or girl. It blew my mind when we received the first goodie bags, because it was filled with all the junk you can think of that people should not be eating, let alone little children. Anyway, she tries to dig into the goodie bag before dinner and I have to trick her to take it away from her. This is the first hurdle. And then I take the bag into the kitchen, empties 3/4 of the contents into the bin and we are left with almost nothing. But I replace the contents with healthier snacks such as raisins or soyjoy or something similar and tell her that she will get it back after dinner. The 2nd hurdle comes of course when she is not going to stand by and watch her goodie bag sitting on the kitchen counter, so the screaming begins. I ignore her for the most part because I tell her that screaming children do not get any attention from me. She does this for a good 15- 20 minutes until she realises that she needs to speak properly before I pay her any attention. Interestingly, when (if) she does speak properly and I repeat myself that she will get her goodie bag after dinner, she says ok! and then gets on with playing her toys.
I can see her obvious struggle when she bangs the table or throws her toys around just to make her point. It must be a frustrating little world in her tiny head. But I am a firm believer in setting good examples so that eventually she will struggle no more and will grow out of this phase becoming more balanced as a little person.
It is definitely a growing and learning process for me too because it is tempting to just choose the easier path.
She is turning three next month, so out goes the terrible twos, and perhaps in come the terrific threes? :-)
I can wish can't I?
Game of life
I enjoy playing tennis and it is one of the things I do to stay healthy and fit and so this has sparked my interest in watching tennis on TV. The Wimbledons are now on and with technology these days, we can catch anything live on TV.
I wouldn't say that I am a fan of any of the top tennis players. However, I happened to watch a documentary a few weeks back on the top seed - Roger Federer and I have to say that I am quite impressed by him. Not because he is such an excellent player who seems to have perfected the art of tennis, actually I am impressed by the strength of his mental power.
The documentary traced how he started his tennis career as a kid and especially how he started off as a very emotional player, throwing his temper and getting angry if he doesn't play well. Then he finally decided in one particular match that, that would be the last tennis racquet he breaks on court and that was about 5 years ago. (As a background to those who are not familiar with the game, many tennis players even the top seeds have been known to vent their anger by breaking their racquets on court!) Since then, he has remained the number 1 player consecutively. He used his mental power to remain focus and through that perfected his art to a high level. If anyone were to watch him play now, no one would have guessed that he was a very emotional player who was even sent off court when he was a kid due to his bad temper.
Looking at all the different top players, I observe that those who are strong psychologically more often than not, make better and consistent players.
This is the same with life. Those who are strong psychologically have a greater capacity to 'perform' better in the face of adversities. If people realise that it is their thoughts that create their reality and it is their thoughts that create the way they feel, they will see that whatever happens in life, one can remain strong and positive because it is all about adjusting one's perspective and remaining strong mentally!
Time to get back to watching the semi finals of Wimbledon. :-)
Being A Juggler
Toby is currently away and I found myself another opportunity to improve on my juggling skills! We do not have a live in helper, as most people in Singapore do, so trying to keep one or two additional balls in the air has been interesting...
From being a mummy, dog walker, cat litter cleaner (the cat demands that her litter be cleared before she uses it) house cleaner, chef, 'fitness practitioner', counselor, life coach, to a writer all rolled in one requires careful planning of my time and energy management. I would love for everything to run like clockwork, unfortunately with a 2 coming to 3 year old in tow, that does not often happen! But somehow I have managed to accomplish things on my to-do list, which is very satisfying.
I thought about how I used to spend my time say about 10 years ago, with much less responsibilities work and family wise, and I realised that there was so much time wasting! Time was spent thinking about doing a task, instead of doing them. Energy was spent feeling overwhelmed. No wonder not much could be accomplished!
I would say that one of the most precious things I have learned through the past 10 years is really proper time and energy management. When we spend too much time thinking about the task we would like to accomplish, inertia sets in and we somehow give in to the negative streams of consciousness as to why we should be delaying the tasks at hand! This is similar to how a person resolves to exercise but is always finding excuses why not to do it! I think Nike got it right with its slogan 'Just do it'.
There's so much to be accomplished daily to live a more fulfilling life then just thinking about living a fulfilling life! So start with two balls in the air, and then keep adding them on and be the best juggler you can be! :-)
Seeing the good in others...
One of my heroes, Dr Joshua David Stone (the author of Soul Psychology) taught through many of his books, the importance of being 'a love finder, not a fault finder'. I have found this to be of great value in my relationships with others.
Often times we are tempted to see the negative things people are saying or doing, and then we let resentment develop, and we hold grudges if not consciously, but subconsciously as well. And when conflict arises, we explode!
I have found that to keep relationships in harmony, in even the most challenging ones (with people closest to you) learning to be a 'love finder' i.e. seeing the good in others helps to change our attitudes towards them.
Dr Stone shared some wonderful tools through his books, and one of them is: writing a gratitude log. This is a log where you list all the things you are grateful for, and this is a wonderful one to do whenever you feel conflict or resentment arising in your relationships with others.
My husband Toby and I have adapted the gratitude log into a relationship gratitude log. We share a notebook, and a few times a week, we share our thoughts with each other in this notebook - sharing what we are grateful for in each other. This has definitely helped us to be love finders instead of fault finders!
Being a love finder also helps one to have a better relationship with self! For one becomes more forgiving for mistakes made, instead of being critical of self.
So go on...... be a love finder! :-)
Mixed reactions
It is interesting how so many different people reacted and responded to my honest description of who I am and my personal life experiences written in my personal bio.
Most women applauded my courage and honesty and I think this is because women can relate to my past experiences to a certain extent and that an honest voice regarding women's issues give women a sense of 'united front', so to speak.
My apologies to anyone if they found my personal account offensive, however, I do not apologise for all the experiences I went through that made me who I am today. I do not feel ashamed about my past, neither do I feel a need to keep it private. I am a Life Coach and if I cannot use my own past to inspire others to live their life of meaning, then what I will be teaching will only come from knowledge and not wisdom.
Just so people are aware, date rape is an extremely common occurrence, and in truth should not be kept 'hush hush' as it only exacerbates this 'phenomena'. And most of the time, women only realize that it has happened to them only after the fact. It is more a psychological victimization than a physical one. Often times, these experiences are not in anyway physically violent in nature. Women who experienced date rapes feel dis-empowered and psychologically weak, emotionally needy, and lack self worth. Often times, these qualities are already present in them even before the date rape experience, thus setting them up to be psychological victims of men who get off being a dominator. I am of course, speaking in a more generalized sense and that not every victim of date rape experience it the same way. And that not every date rapist actually planned it as such. Most of the time, the men do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong.
I have counseled women who have been raped by friends, partners and spouses and it is indeed very hard for both the raped and rapist to come to terms to what has happened. You may be surprised to hear this. But this is true even in the case of the date rapist.
This only show us the lack of psychological clarity people are suffering from. We all need to learn basic respect for our fellow human beings instead of living in a reality of self-centredness, but in truth we have a long way to go just by looking at the way the earth, plants and animals are being treated.
Anyway, my point in this sharing is really about expressing myself as a Life Coach and a Counselor and that I come from a position of empowerment, nothing less.
Best book ever!
One of the best books I've read on the subject of psychology and how to clear negative emotions is Soul Psychology by Dr Joshua David Stone. Highly recommended!
You can easily get this through amazon.com. The publisher is Ballantine Wellspring and the ISBN is 0-345-42556-1
Enjoy!
10 years on...
I was interviewed by a well known local women's magazine the other day and the journalist asked me many questions about my past. It brought back a lot of memories for me, in a positive way, in a sense of realizing indeed I have changed so much and it seems as though I am now a very different person.
The change is certainly one that is internal. My views, perspectives and approach to life are now pointing the opposite direction from where I was more than 10 years ago.
I will be turning 40 this year, and I find myself coming full circle in many areas of my life. The past 10 years have been the best in terms of my personal development on all levels, including the spiritual level which allows me to become a more holistic person. And I am now able to utilize my gifts and talents in a much more productive way because of the past 10 years. I am very excited about many projects that I am currently involved in. This would not have been possible without the very intense learning which includes empowering myself, cultivating greater joy and compassion as well as learning to work with abundance consciousness.
So I am really looking forward to the next 10 years!
"Nothing is too small to know, and nothing is too big to attempt." - William Van Horne
Important things
One of the most important things in life for me is to seek the meaning/intention behind all that I do. I think this has kept me on track for the past 10 years or so, after having been so 'lost' prior to that.
Even if the intention is a simple one, but when it allows me to become a better person because of it, it gives me a sense of fulfillment knowing that I have left a mark (no matter how small) in the history of the human race.
Being human means we have the ability to evolve our thoughts, feelings/emotions, and actions. So why not dedicate every moment of our lives to this cause and ultimately to see how we can all play a part in the evolution of the human race.
The world at this point needs us, all 6 billion of us to make the change that it needs right now. If we want a better tomorrow for our children and their future generations, then we have to begin now.
So shine your light of joy, compassion, love and abundance!
Shamala
Back from Europe
Finally back from Europe from the most inspiring Festival/Seminar ever! I brought back with me wonderful ideas and projects which I have already begun even before I got on the plane to get home. I am very excited about all the next things happening.....so stay tuned! - Shamala